The Pardon
feat. Barack Obama and Edward Snowden
OBAMA: So, ah, what’s this about?
EDWARD: Well, I was wondering if you were ready to talk about me coming home?
OBAMA: Do you wanna come home?
EDWARD: I dunno, it depends. Do you want me to come home?
OBAMA:…
EDWARD: Because I only wanna come home if —
OBAMA: God dammit Edward of course I want you to come home! There! I said it okay!
EDWARD: Really?
OBAMA: These past couple of years, they’ve been —
EDWARD: Awful. I know. I’ve missed you so much.
OBAMA: And I’ve missed you.
EDWARD: So, ah, how’s America doing?
OBAMA: Good. She’s legalized gay marriage. Added fourteen new themes parks.
EDWARD: Wow.
OBAMA: I know. Can barely believe it myself.
EDWARD: I just can’t believe it came to this. Exile!
OBAMA: Me either. But you have to understand, I had all my friends in my ear, telling me how much better off I’d be without you. It clouded my judgement.
EDWARD: *Rolls eyes* You still hang out with Hillary?
OBAMA: I dunno, you still hanging out with Assange?
EDWARD: No!
OBAMA: Look me in the eye Edward!
EDWARD:…
OBAMA: I knew it! *Starts sobbing*
EDWARD: So what if I do?!
OBAMA: Just look at us! Right back to where we were 3 years ago. Why can’t we move past this? Are we that broken?
EDWARD: No no no no of course not honey bun. Don’t say that. We just need to lay down some ground rules is all.
OBAMA: Okay, well in that case: no more whistleblowing.
EDWARD: Fine. No more whistleblowing. But same goes for you: no more domestic surveillance.
OBAMA: Okay fine. But like, phone tapping still cool, right?
EDWARD: No!
OBAMA: Ah c’mon I only have 4 weeks left.
EDWARD: I don’t care!
OBAMA: Not even if it help solve this whole Russian hacking thing!
EDWARD: I said no, Barack!
OBAMA: Okay fine. What if I promise to only use it to spy on the cast of Game of Thrones? And anyone else who might have intel on the seventh season?
EDWARD:….
OBAMA:….?
EDWARD: Okay yes but that is the one exception.
OBAMA: YASSSSSSSS!!!
Obama does a celebratory dab. Edward — the proud architect of his lover’s excitement— looks on in tender delight.
OBAMA: So, do you think we have what it takes to make this work?
EDWARD: I dunno. But I sure as hell wanna try. I love you Barack Obama.
OBAMA: And I love you my little Edward Snowman.
Artwork by Julia Johns @heyJuliaJohns
